Posts

Sleep or lack thereof.

 The all-knowing day say that when you have a song going around and round and round in your head that it's because your brain is trying to protect you from something you're trying to remember, process or think about. Although it's best for everyone considered a 30-plus year relationship has bit the dust. I finally got off the merry-go-round, and the relief was instantaneous. However, it does make me sad thinking and I will never again be touched, loved, smile that, or feel any passion for the rest of my life. This relationship has put me off of every trusting, spending time with, for getting to know another human being with any intimacy. On the positive side I no longer have to wait for the explosions, wonder if today is the day things will end, my partner will leave, or hurtful words will be flung in my face. The icy cold demeanor we have affected because financially we have to stay at living in the same house is a blessing. Many people would say it's a horror show and

One

 Everyone says, write a book, you will help so many people with your tales of survival, life experiences, growth etc. ad nauseum. I will admit I have things to say... Unfortunately they are all snippets of memories I have tried to repress, ignore or embrace hoping to rid myself of them forever. Books take time, publishers, proper spelling & grammar. I want to spew, rail, roar or weep. This I can do here in a private world where no identifying characteristics can lead to unwanted wormy cans being spilled that allow me to vent but could damage others.  Where to begin, childhood, layers of lies, the first time a man hit me, my first college acceptance letter, the day I learned I was "special," the first time I was forced into having an unwanted sexual encounter, the first time I was fired, the first time I lied, stole or cheated, the first teacher who said I was too stupid for them to teach, the first time a colleague was deliberately cruel? This list could go on for days. A