Sleep or lack thereof.

 The all-knowing day say that when you have a song going around and round and round in your head that it's because your brain is trying to protect you from something you're trying to remember, process or think about.

Although it's best for everyone considered a 30-plus year relationship has bit the dust. I finally got off the merry-go-round, and the relief was instantaneous.

However, it does make me sad thinking and I will never again be touched, loved, smile that, or feel any passion for the rest of my life. This relationship has put me off of every trusting, spending time with, for getting to know another human being with any intimacy.

On the positive side I no longer have to wait for the explosions, wonder if today is the day things will end, my partner will leave, or hurtful words will be flung in my face.

The icy cold demeanor we have affected because financially we have to stay at living in the same house is a blessing. Many people would say it's a horror show and regardless of finances we need to go our separate ways. However, friendship we had prior to the love is still solid, still alive in there somewhere, waiting for one of us to make the first move to resurrect it.

As I'm writing this, I can feel my heart rate regulate, the spinning tunes in my head relax, and my breathing deepen.

There's no sense of sorrow, or pain at the loss of what could have been a lifetime relationship. Sometimes, if people cannot let the past go, they feel empowered to continually bring it up in order to escape any true, honest emotion. 

The innocuous mention of a trip taken long ago should not be thrown in one's face repeatedly., Especially when the person doing the throwing, threw me away multiple times. Like so much of garbage in the street I was neglected, ignored, and and forced to watch while my partner explored relationships with others because I was never good enough. I was too fat to sleep with, my body did not turn him on, there were better things to do, better places to live more beautiful people to see the list goes on and on.

A connection with my past brought about a new friend, very innocent at first and gradually due to the borderline abusive and extremely neglectful relationship I was in I discovered what it was like to be loved again. My partner, said it was fine said it wasn't a bother at all just to keep it away from the family. Which I did, I'll be at he did not but that's a whole other story.

Exploring relationship with this other person led to the discovery of true, puppy love. The kind they write the songs about it's so fresh and clean you want every day to last a million years.

I was not unfaithful with my body, however my heart and soul yearned to be with this new person. My partner knew this and during the very honest conversation wished me and my new friend the best. Comments like I'm happy for you, this is the best, you and I will always be friends, and go for it! When I begged for clarification,  I was told I will never be wanted by my partner and that I should see happiness where I can find it. So I did! For several months we were very happy, I was touched, loved, and treated like a precious gift. There were setbacks, like impotency, dealing with my new friends abusive childhood flashbacks, the trauma he faced in war and of course exes. 

The past as it's want to do reared its ugly head and my new friend, Begin to feel safe enough to lie, and manipulate me. I was so broken from my partner's lack of respect and tenderness I nearly sank under in despair of ever being touched again. However the strong human being inside of me found a way to rid myself of this person. If that also is for another day...